Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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