I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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