I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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