You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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