I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
