Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
