Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
