I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
