I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
