I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
