my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
