Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
