You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
