She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
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Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
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Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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