Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
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i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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