Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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