i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
