yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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