Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
soo... how was my night?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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