last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
