I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
