Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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