alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
