Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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