My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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