I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
