You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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