What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
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I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
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It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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