I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
