dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
