My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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