so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
