I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
