I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
