My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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