Princesses don't give blow jobs
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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