I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
