I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
