I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
