i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
