My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I am available for nakedness
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
