Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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