My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
