Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
