Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
