the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
