if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
areolas are like halos for boobs.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
