could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
