Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
