So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
