I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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