Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
