I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
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just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
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I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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