apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
