I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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