Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
