You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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